Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

Am getting real tired of your crap…

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.