Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
You Might Also Like
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Sharon, call the vet
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.