Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”