Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

It’s his time

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology