Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.