Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.