[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
