[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
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The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you