Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.