[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
You Might Also Like
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!