Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

Oh my God.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

I basically called this earlier today

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

These are too funny not to post 😂

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.