Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

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