[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
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I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I support this random dude and all his protests
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy