It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
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Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Me: [throwing another failed entree onto the floor] make it again!
Stuart Little: please, i’m not who you think i am my name is stu-
Me: [grabbing him by his tiny shirt] make it again rat chef
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
When you say ” friends with benefits” I assume you own a medical Marijuana dispensary and or a liquor store