@Mostly_Cheese

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

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@Fickle_Filly

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

@ItsMeHelenMary

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

@dafloydsta

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

@OpenClassMX

My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.

@Skoog

Me: [throwing another failed entree onto the floor] make it again!

Stuart Little: please, i’m not who you think i am my name is stu-

Me: [grabbing him by his tiny shirt] make it again rat chef

@upsidedowntrash

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

@Nickadoo

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

@ItsLaTourette

When you say ” friends with benefits” I assume you own a medical Marijuana dispensary and or a liquor store