[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
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I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Current mood: Potato
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.