Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?

Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?

Manager:

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs

Judge: And that you killed a man

Me: put a gun against his head

Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead

Judge: mama

Current mood: Potato

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

Rt to bother an English speaker