Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

There is no try. There is only give up.

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.