Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby