Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

is there nothing we can trust anymore

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

sometimes i miss this memes

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

Hey! This isn’t my car!

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.