Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.