Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.