Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Pickled cat.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.