Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

it must be school picture day

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what