Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

incredible text to wake up to

I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…

I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud