REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
they really do be looking like this
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?