REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My humor is broken
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though