REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
i wonder why they stopped looking
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
I will never stop laughing at this
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!