Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
🌱🌱🌱
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
