Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”