Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

🤣could you imagine

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.