Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.