Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario