Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.