rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
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can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
biblically accurate fire hydrant
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
your honor my client chooses dare
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?