rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
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Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”