rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
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Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
The most precious boy
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
opening twitter today
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?