rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
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Vodka burrito was a success
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough