Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.