Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
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[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
