Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

My patronus is a cheeseburger

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.