Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu

— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

Namaste

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?