Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
*orders delivery*
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early