Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
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“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.