RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.