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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Breaking news:
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
#milo
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever