Rhetorical is still a word, right?

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When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.


Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird


obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls


If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive


Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.


*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?


I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.


Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.


H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”


The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.