@LosLos__

Rhetorical is still a word, right?

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@timdonakowski

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

@TweetPotato314

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

@dril

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

@raydevito

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

@lloydrang

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

@karanbirtinna

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

@envydatropic

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

@Wordesse

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

@Blonde4Dayz

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

@bingowings14

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.