rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
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(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO