Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

“Guy walks into a bar”

*and is eliminated from the limbo contest

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn