Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.