Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel