Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.