[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
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Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
He wanted to make sure😂
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.