Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.