Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
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There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
just got my engagement photos
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.