Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
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My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Me too
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.