Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
You Might Also Like
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
