@PinkRainbows69

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

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@sweet_toof

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

@CareEg33

3 ways to get a jammed ring off your finger:

1) Butter
2) Windex
3) Divorce

@murrman5

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

@JaneTempke

Simon Cowell went to the bank but couldn’t get served as he’d lost his wallet, and with it all his I.D.

Brainwave! He went back to his studio, returning with JLS and Olly Murs as proof of identity.

Two X-Factor authentication.

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

@JediGigi

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

@JB4Realz

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

@MykaFox

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

@EvanSilliams

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house