I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet