Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
You Might Also Like
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.