Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

What’s this sorcery? 😂

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

Let’s Go

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please