Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

screw you

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN