Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
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Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.