Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*