Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

what’s the point then??

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok