@Marcmywords2

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

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@LeBearGirdle

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

@GrantTanaka

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

@Mr_Kapowski

My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they’ve started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection

@jake_lach

Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’

@sannewman

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

@TheToddWilliams

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.