Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
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I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-