@Marcmywords2
@LeBearGirdle
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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@LeBearGirdle
@GrantTanaka
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
@Mr_Kapowski
My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they’ve started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection
@jake_lach
Apparently, if she’s refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be ‘Why are you mad again?’
@sannewman
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
@TheToddWilliams
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
@raiin_song
thread of this specific and very funny sense of humor:
@McClaneJohn2
Me: You shouldn’t do that.
Whiskey: Why not?
@FrazzleMyGimp
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
@TheCatWhisprer
I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.