rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
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Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.