rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
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The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping