Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
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Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Sign at work today
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger