Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow